What started as a stupid little question boiled into a full-fledged obsession.

Don’t ask the origins of the question because it’s not important and I don’t remember, but the last few days I’ve been asking friends and co-workers if all fruit lived in a single country, who would be the leader?

This isn’t a debate about the best fruit. It’s about which one would hold the authority.

This turned into a wide-ranging dialogue about that Fruit World and I’d like to share it with you, explaining the cast of characters and important plot lines in this movie in my mind.

Pineapple – Almost everybody said that the pineapple was their first thought. While my answer was the Fuji apple, the answer makes sense in this way: Fuji Apple would make the best President, while Pineapple would make the best dictator. As many pointed out, Pineapple already has that natural, built-in crown atop its head, it’s a fruit that’s difficult to penetrate and the way it stands up straight is a measure of power.

He leads what I call the Tropical Regime.

Coconut – So with King Pineapple assuming power as a dictator of the Fruit World, I had to flesh out which fruit would make up his inner circle. First off, you need the physical component of someone that provides the muscle – both in protection and in coercing political enemies – and what better than a coconut?

Kiwi – While Coconut is the brute force for King Pineapple, Kiwi is the small-in-stature advisor that provides quality intel and strategy. He’s not much for fighting, but he’s got all that stuff inside that makes him so valuable.

Strawberry – The beautiful and lovely wife of King Pineapple. While KP may come across as ruthless, Strawberry is beloved by all. Because men are pigs, King Pineapple has several mistresses on the side – including Raspberry, Blueberry and Blackberry.

Honeydew and Cantaloupe – They sort of play the role of pawns in King Pineapple’s army. They’re the ones where if there’s a battle, they get killed and nobody really feels anything because they’re sort of extras in the movie.

Fuji apple – Here’s where things get interesting. So King Pineapple, who is one of those dictators that wears a military uniform with medals and stars that you know he didn’t actually earn, can come across as oppressive, Fuji Apple is infinitely more reasonable. He’s leading the Resistance and is the heart and soul of the rebel forces. He dreams of a world of democracy and, while he’s not a fighter by nature, he’s willing to risk it in order to topple KP’s corrupt regime. He’s kind of boring, but would make a good leader – think Jon Snow.

Red Delicious apple – Red Delicious apples are awful, so obviously it is the embarrassing close relative of Fuji. Red Delicious gets a DUI and Fuji has to explain how while they’re both apples, the actions of Red Delicious don’t represent him. Red Delicious is what we call a political liability.

Granny Smith apple – Also an awful apple, the Granny Smith apple is the elderly relative – most likely a grandmother – that says racist things at family get-togethers.

Orange – Like the apple, the orange is one of the few core fruits and considering the adages, ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus,’ and ‘Comparing apples and oranges,’ it fits that Orange is the wife of Fuji. She’s … let’s say, shapely, but she’s a fighter and isn’t above spraying pulp in your eye if you get in her face.

Clementine – The young daughter of Fuji and Orange.

Lemon and lime – The brothers of Orange, they are fraternal twins and sort of play the role of George and Fred Weasley.

Banana – The tall and lanky advisor for Fuji that has a background as a scientist, Banana is diagnosed with a terminal illness in the beginning of the movie so each scene you see him in, he looks progressively worse and worse.

Tomato – Plays the role of a double-agent who tries to play both sides – Fruits and Vegetable – before King Pineapple catches on and Coconut crushes him to death, turning him into a tomato paste.

Cherries – When war breaks out between the Tropical Regime and the rebel forces, Cherries play the role of a sort of suicide bomber – keeping the bomb (pit) hidden – and end up blowing up one of King Pineapple’s largest soldiers (watermelon).

Important plot lines:

• After the first attacks by Cherries, King Pineapple gets paranoid and begins to lock up any and all political enemies. He has an underground prison for the political prisoners – imagine the hallway of a dirty, dark prison with rotting fruit in cells behind bars.
• When Fuji continues to pursue the resistance, King Pineapple enacts a monthly exercise called “The Harvest.” During this time, he has his secret police sweep through the country and round up any and all fruits that say anything negative about King Pineapple.
• During one Harvest, King Pineapple’s secret police bring in Peach to talk with him. Peach is pleading with him that it doesn’t know anything, but Coconut continues to pound Peach – leaving it bruised. Kiwi gets squeamish watching this because he feels like King Pineapple has gone too far and tries to subtly talk him out of it. However, King Pineapple brushes it off and laughs as Coconut bludgeons Peach to death.
• Following that episode, Kiwi tries to talk to Queen Strawberry about it and tells her that he thinks King Pineapple is starting to lose it. Queen Strawberry listens to him and pretends to be sympathetic but she ends up telling King Pineapple, who executes Kiwi in the town square – ceremoniously cutting him in half.
• With his intelligent advisor no longer in the picture, King Pineapple begins to make foolish strategic maneuvers during the battle against the rebel forces. While the Tropical Regime’s forces are larger – especially in stature – the Resistance is smarter and is closing in, as King Pineapple gets more and more paranoid, killing off fruits he felt betrayed him and leaving his inner-circle smaller and smaller.
• Finally, Fuji’s army has powered its way into King Pineapple’s castle and assumes power by killing King Pineapple – by scalping him, of course.