Everybody stared at Madeline.

Most were smiling but some – like Aunt Carolyn – wiped away tears. Even though the church was beautiful and filled with loved ones, all those eyes made Madeline uncomfortable. She didn’t even notice the organ playing.

She blinked furiously and looked side to side. Then dead center. Travis stood fifty feet away in a blue suit and maroon tie, holding his left wrist with his right hand by his belt. His smile seemed on the verge of tears.

What a sweet boy you’ve found, they had told her. You must be so excited!

The floor-length skirt of her pearly white wedding dress hid the evidence of panicked knees shaking. She kept her mouth slightly open and withdrew long inhales that nobody could see. It didn’t feel real. None of this felt real.

Her father wiggled his left arm, which was interlocked with her right elbow.

“You ready, sweetheart?” he smiled.

She closed her eyes and struggled to swallow. Everything felt like it was closing in. She couldn’t breathe. What was she doing?

She opened her eyes.

“I can’t,” she choked.

“What’s that?” her dad asked.

“I can’t, uh – I can’t do this.”

She shook her head again and again.

“I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t do this, Dad. I can’t.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do this,” she repeated.

She unlocked her arm from his and shook her head some more. She hardly heard the gasps as she walked backward toward the doors. Travis’ smile disappeared, replaced by concern. He took a step toward his beautiful bride-to-be and then Madeline turned around and sprinted through the doors of the nave. Instead of leaving the church entirely, she ran to the “bridal suite” – which is what the church called a converted classroom where she stored all her stuff during the ceremony.

Are you and Travis ready for your big day?

Madeline got inside the suite and locked the door. She walked to the middle of the room and put her hands on the back of her neck. Somebody was pounding on the door: her mother demanding to know what the hell got into Madeline.

Had she lost her damn mind? Everybody is waiting for her. Travis is waiting for her. Is she really going to do this to poor, sweet Travis?

She looked in the mirror with a sad expression, seeing her beautiful wavy hair and meticulously done makeup that took all morning to perfect. Madeline looked around the room and thought about sitting on (or throwing) a metal folding chair. The walls were bare except for a painting of the Virgin Mary.

Have you found your dress yet? That’s very important. Do you know how many pounds you need to lose to fit into it?

Now her dad pounded on the door, making sure that everything was okay.

“Maddie, can you hear me? Maddie?”

Madeline saw her mom’s purse and she rummaged through it looking for car keys. She heard the jingling, grabbed the keys and her own phone, and looked around again. Going through the door wasn’t an option. The barbarians were at the gate. Luckily the old windows were functional and she pushed one open and crawled out.

Here’s a little tip: wear sneakers under the dress. Much more comfortable and nobody will tell.

She ran toward the sea of cars in the parking lot, frantically looking for her mother’s blue Volkswagen Jetta. Pressing the lock button on the keys caused it to honk, which gave away its location. When she plopped into the driver’s seat, the hem of her dress got stuck when she slammed the door.

Who cares?

Madeline couldn’t hear people screaming in the distance when she turned on the car, put it in reverse, and then sped away from the church. Her phone buzzed violently in the cupholder but she let it ring.

With one hand on the wheel, she used her other hand to wipe away tears, which left black streaks across her fingers.

Don’t blink because your wedding goes by so fast!

Madeline didn’t know why, but she laughed hysterically – gripping the wheel and shaking her head as she sailed down McCullough Highway. The absurdity of it all. She thought about what her parents were saying right now. Or Aunt Carolyn. Or Travis. Everybody was probably bad-mouthing her.

Her phone buzzed over and over again in the cupholder. She thought about rolling down her window and throwing it. The horizon was blurry through the windshield, but she kept driving for what could have been five minutes or fifty minutes.

Where was she going, anyway?

She saw a brown sign for Burson Gorge State Park.

What about your photographer? Have you found your photographer? You’ll want really good photos to remember it.

Even though she was born and raised in the area, she’d never been to Burson Gorge State Park. Sure, why the hell not? After she pulled off the highway, she drove down the winding road leading to the parking lot. She turned off the car, but left the keys in the ignition and her phone in the cupholder.

The few people in the park stared at her because you don’t often see a woman with running mascara and a wedding dress storming through the trails of a state park. An older woman asked if she was all right, but Madeline didn’t hear her so she kept walking.

You need to make sure you give a detailed playlist to the DJ, otherwise they’ll just play whatever the hell they want and it could ruin the wedding.

Through the trail trees she could see the Columbia River.

Walking briskly along the path, she smiled at confused hikers and told them how the day was lovely. Just lovely. A quarter of a mile down the path, there was a turnoff that led right up to the water. A fallen tree provided a perfect spot and she didn’t bother to wipe anything off before she sat.

The river moved purposefully. It was determined. No going back. Only forward. Always only forward.

In the peacefulness, she finally felt terrible for Travis. He really was a sweet man and he was probably confused and scared. Was this it? Was there ever coming back from something like this?

What if her fears didn’t come true and he didn’t change after she was his wife? What if they had a long marriage that ended with them old and gray together?

Not everybody gets divorced, after all. Some people have happy marriages. Good marriages. Healthy ones. That could have been her and Travis if she hadn’t lit the whole goddamn thing on fire.

Hopefully everybody gets along and nobody gets too drunk.

Madeline exhaled and crossed her legs. She looked across the water and saw an island in the middle of the mighty river. Did people live there? Was there somebody out there? Away from everybody. Maybe a woman lived there – another woman who also wasn’t ready to face the altar.

She stood, held up the bottom of her dress, and walked into the river. It was freezing against her ankles, but she didn’t stop. She mustn’t stop. She kept walking forward as the ice-cold chill rose up to her calves, then her knees, then her hips. It was cold but it felt good and she plunged forward into the river.

Do you know who you are going to invite? And more importantly, who you are not going to invite?

The water instantly ruined her perfectly manicured hair and washed away more of her makeup. It made her dress extremely heavy, but she had to get to the island to see who lived there. Maybe she could get some advice. She swam slow and steady because the waterlogged dress weighed her down, but she didn’t care.

Madeline swam for a little while and looked up toward the island, then swam for a little while and looked up toward the island. She was getting closer.

Her shoulders started to burn though.

And her lungs. It got harder and harder to breathe. A piece of driftwood sailed past her.

“Just a little farther,” Madeline muttered to herself and a little bit of water got into her mouth, but she spit it out. “It’s right there. Keep moving, Maddie.”

Are you nervous at all? Don’t be nervous! You shouldn’t be nervous!

Little by little her throbbing arms got her closer. She was maybe fifty feet away, but she didn’t know if she could make it. She thought about life on the island. Don’t think about the pain. Think about life on the island.

But she was so tired. This was a terrible idea. A stupid idea. What the hell was she doing? Swimming across the Columbia River in a wedding dress. Who does that?

It must be such a wonderful feeling to know you finally found the one.

She closed her eyes and struggled to swallow. Everything felt like it was closing in. She couldn’t breathe. What was she doing?

Madeline felt something tugging on her right arm.

“Hey sweetheart, are you ready?”

It was her father in a suit. His hair and mustache were painstakingly groomed.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, tilting his head with a slight smile like he knew his baby girl was a little bit nervous. “It’s time to go.”

Madeline turned her head from her father to Travis smiling fifty feet away. She looked back to her dad, nodded softly, and told herself to put one foot in front of the other.